Westerosians in America

Lord of Bear Island to President of a Logging Company

cropped-suburban-fantasies-dref222.png

Ser Jorah Mormont, once the Lord of Bear Island and champion of the Tourney at Lannisport to celebrate King Robert‘s victory over House Greyjoy and the Iron Islands seems to really like living in America.

Ser Jorah‘s prospects weren’t looking so great when he decided to give the U.S.A. a chance. He was a disgraced, exiled Knight. He had been the Lord of a not-so-great, but kind-of-good noble House with an island full of bears and rocks and trees. He had married a Southron hottie and went broke trying to keep her happy. It is truly an American story. Except in WesterosJorah couldn’t declare bankruptcy. Instead he did the closest thing: he captured poachers trespassing on his lands and he sold them to slavers. The funds he received in return were enough to keep that Southron wife in his bed for a few more weeks AND enough to draw the attention of his Overlord, the honorable Eddard Stark.

Lord Eddard was all, “Jorah Mormont, slavery is against the King’s Law so I need to cut off your head. You’re my boy and all but the law is the law.”

Ser Jorah was all, “F*** that. I’m out. Bear Island isn’t worth losing my head.”

A short time later, in a strange land, Jorah spent everything he had and still lost that b**** of a wife. He was a man who had lost himself.

But here in America, Jorah Mormont has everything he wants! He got the girl of his dreams- a girl who resembles his hottie ex-wife AND has dragons AND is half his age! He has two beautiful children (both adopted as his new wife was cursed by a shitty-witch and a big part of the curse is that she can’t have children). He has a large corner-house in a upper working-class suburb. He doesn’t worry about being an exiled Knight or a former Lord anymore because he is the President and majority-owner of his own logging company! Mormont Tree Destruction and Logging! Great for Jorah! He goes by Mr. Jorah Mormont these days and makes his residence in Minneapolis.

Jorah and Danielle‘s circle of friends often remind him of Robert Baratheon‘s Small Council. He takes comfort knowing that he is the only man in his neighborhood trained to wield a sword and the only man in his neighborhood that possesses castle-forged steel. Even so, Jorah knows that not a one of them is capable of killing a small animal let alone a grown man (it was a shock to Jorah when he learned that these people pay a man to euthanize their small cats and dogs when they reach a certain age). Still, it has been made known to Mr. Jorah Mormont that his wife, Danielle (formerly Daenerys) Mormont, is often the topic of conversation when the friends meet together without them. Accusations that Danielle takes sleeping pills to fall asleep and amphetamines to wake up, and that she has lizard pets that start fires are gossiped wildly. Ridiculously, Jorah develops a feeling of pride over this. Be that as it may, Danielle Mormont is always considered by everyone in their circle of friends to be the highlight of the famous Mormont Friday Night Dinner Parties.

Jorah Mormont would never admit it to Danielle, but every so often he wakes up in a cold sweat, shaking with a sense of doom and emotionally crushed by a huge feeling of guilt. The President of Mormont Tree Destruction and Logging finds he is able to lose all that negativity with a bottle of Irish Whiskey. He has for the most part forgotten the bad time he had in Westeros and hopes to never see another island full of bears or trees ever again… unless he is about to cut them b****es down and log them up!

All in all, it is safe to say that…

Jorah Mormont Loves America!!!

 

A Girl Has No Name On Her Lacrosse Jersey

Arya.Myrcella.Lacrosse

A girl has no name on the back of her Lacrosse jersey and that is A-OK with her! While the majority of her teammates make comments like, “OMG like this shitty school can’t even pay for our names to be on these stupid shirts?!?” or “This school is so poor! I can’t believe my parents make me go here. Like I’m surprised they can even afford food for the cafeteria. Like they will probably feed us the leftover horse food they give to the equestrian team horses because they can’t afford yogurt,” and “OMG right?!? Like I would never eat horse food and I hate yogurt.”

While the rest of her Lacrosse team united around the Name-On-Jersey situation, Arya Stark, daughter of the North, doesn’t give a f***. In Westeros, Arya was forced to participate in really lame activities like knitting and stitching and the like. She hated that bullsh**.

Arya looked at herself as what American boys and girls would call a tomboy, except there was no word like that in Westeros so Arya didn’t know what to identify herself as. This was likely a huge reason why she ran away and joined an ancient guild of assassins called The Faceless Men. The unofficial motto of this Assassin Team was “We have no name!” Arya was excited about having no name. It wasn’t that she disliked her name but more that she didn’t want to be identified by a gender or noble standing.

The U.S.A. of 2018 really seems to suit Arya Stark. She is not identified by anything because it is becoming more and more politically and socially incorrect for boys and girls to be identified as boys and girls or boys or girls or really anything other than ‘an individual.’ And Arya is for sure an individual!

The skills she learned as an Assassin really helped her grasp Lacrosse. She loves the stealth and violence involved in the game. She loves the contact and the aggression. She is passionate about winning and she always goes to the field to prove to herself that she is better than she was the previous game. The cherry on top, metaphorically, obviously, for Arya is that there are no names on the back of the jersey so she can be the superstar of the game, receive recognition in front of the dozens of high school female Lacrosse fans in the crowd, and not only does nobody know who she is, they couldn’t pick her out in the next game if they wanted to because, according to one of her teammates, “This goddamn school is so goddamn cheap that they can’t put our names on our jersey and they makes us like… get ourselves to practice. Like where do we live, Ethiopia?”

Little does Arya know, however, that a familiar face is playing for the rival high school’s Lacrosse team. Or… perhaps Arya does know and it matters little to her. Perhaps it matters little to the familiar face or perhaps it means everything or perhaps it means nothing at all but it is without a doubt that one day very soon, the Crown Princess of Westeros, Princess Myrcella Baratheon, will take the field opposite Arya Stark. On that day, name on the jersey or no, at least one person will know Arya‘s name… if she doesn’t already. Well, she does, obviously, as they’ve met before in Westeros… it doesn’t matter… or does it?

Concurrently to all that drama, Arya Stark finds that many female babies share her name here in America- though a great many are misspelled, like Aria or Areya or whatever. She doesn’t like that as she always considered her name special but she has gotten used to it.

Arya greatly misses her family and home, the ancient castle of Winterfell. But her family is basically all dead and her home is burned to the ground. Considering all that, it is no question that…

 Arya Stark Loves America!!!

 

Manipulative Soccer Mom With Living, Breathing Sons

 

Catelyn.Stark.Soccer.Mom

In Westeros, moms make a lot of decisions when it comes to their children… but that’s about it! The Patriarch of the noble family is the decision-maker when it comes to all else. Once in a great while, it’s possible that the Lady of the House is able to decide what is for dinner, but that usually occurs when the Lord is “travelling” (sleeping with whores) on “business” (whores).

When Catelyn Stark decided to make the jump from Winterfell and the cold, desolate North of Westeros to the United States and the warm, vibrant weather of Southern California, she was, at first, a bit concerned.

I’ve left my father dying in his bed and my brother to rule in his place!” she dramatized to herself and whoever was around to hear her.

You also left Winterfell and you took us so you left nobody at Winterfell,” her youngest son Rickon said.

Aye,” agreed Bran, her favorite child by far. “Father says there must always be a Stark at Winterfell but there are none because we are here in this strange land.

Grey’s Anatomy is on the magic moving picture box,” Catelyn Tully said, completely ignoring the words that her young boys spoke.

While she may regret leaving her childhood home of Riverrun (which she had already left nearly two decades earlier for her new home at Winterfell) and traveling to this beautiful and enchanting world of America, Catelyn quickly got over her regret and decided to make a real go of it in San Diego, California.

As she understood it, San Diego was much like the beautiful lands of The Reach in Westeros. She had always envied the Tyrell family and the wealthy Florents that resided in that area, but now she was like the Tyrells and the Florents but without the disgusting ears and minus the gay brother . Not only was she living the good life that she hadn’t been able to live as a ‘slave-wife’ in Winterfell, but here in the U.S.A., it was socially acceptable for a woman that should be married to not be married. It was as though Catelyn‘s greatest dreams had come true.

It took her a very long time to figure out how to continue Bran and Rickon‘s education. Without Maester Luwin, or any Maester for that matter, around to advise her how to raise her sons, she found the only decisions she could make was what to feed them and when to feed them whatever she had decided to feed them.

The supermarket… what kind of a question is that?” another mother, clearly of common birth and far below what Catelyn considered Westeros‘ poverty threshold, answered when Catelyn demanded to know where to find food and nourishment for her young boys.

Thus and so, Catelyn found this aforementioned supermarket and she was truly in awe at the food stores kept in this flat and sprawling fortress. It was after a few visits and after acquiring her own plastic payment card that Catelyn saw the poor, common mother and took up conversation with her out of pity for the woman’s station.

Uh…. well… they play soccer…” her fellow matriarch had replied when Catelyn asked her where she could find a wet nurse or elderly lady to take responsibility for her sons and help teach them to be men.

It was there upon which the road to destiny began for Catelyn Tully, whom had dropped the name Stark upon stepping onto American soil. This road contained a few twists and one or two turns, but it led her nonetheless to her fate in the United States of America. This fate was one shared by many women who had liberated themselves from husbands that made them live in a really cold castles. This fate was a mark of honor and a station higher than any station a woman could hope to achieve in Westeros, outside of being crowned Queen of the Seven Kingdoms (a station that Catelyn still considered a possibility; or at least still considered in that she considered the ways that she could become Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, if she so wanted to be Queen). Soon after this conversation, Catelyn Tully would be Knighted as a ‘Soccer Mom.’

It may have taken longer than she expected but upon achieving this high honor, the eldest of Lord Hoster Tully‘s children realized what she had known all along…

Catelyn Tully Loves America!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s