The Royal Decree for March 2018

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Tho art beguneth thine reading of thy noteworthy factoids and newsworthy splatters of news and likely insignificant observations from thine own fandom!

This Royal Decree hath been delivereth to tho via the typed copy of the handwritten documentation of the most Royal words escaping the Royal mouths that hath functioned as a most-Royal conduit that hath brought the Royal thoughts of the Royal Brains to a Royal reality for non-Royal, leal, and loyal subjects of the Realm…

Amazon is taking a small break from putting retail companies out of business to drop more money than New Line and Wingnut dropped on The Lord of The Rings movie trilogy on a television series based on that property. Amazon is/has begun spending $500 million dollars on the first two seasons of a LoTR Show. It is believed that the $250 million Amazon paid to the Tolkien Estate, which is not to be confused in any way with The American Tolkien: our hero and yours, is included in the $500 million that will be spent on these two initial seasons.

What exactly this The Lord of The Rings television series will be based on or developed as is still up in the air, though recent reports state that a prequel series, or a series based on the unpublished-during-his-lifetime works of J.R.R. Tolkien, which was published posthumously by his son as The Silmarillion. (NOTEThe Silmarillion may not have been published posthumously and may not have been published by JRRT‘s son).

Amazon is spending this money for a few reasons: to cash in on the ridiculous viewership figures that Game of Thrones will give up as it comes to an end, to bring viewers and credibility (possibly including some “Street-Credibility” or “Street Cred“) to its own streaming entertainment service, Amazon Prime, and to create synergy between a Netflix-level episodic program and the limitless amounts of crappola that can be purchased through Amazon.

Worse case, it might be compared to Google playing a large role in the Owen Wilson/Vince Vaughn failed Wedding Crashers follow-up, The Internship… or The Interns… or Intern Crashers… or whatever that steaming pile of doggie poodoo was called. Sure, it is a terrible attempt to cash in on the past but Google wins no matter what. Sometimes companies are truly “Too Big To Fail” and **Amazon is certainly that.

While we are on the subject of Amazon or properties that Amazon is attempting to cash in on, our boy, Miguel Sapochnik, the director of some of the best and most difficult-to-visually-tell stories of HBO‘s Game of Thrones, is developing an episodic program based on Conan The Cimmerian/Barbarian for Amazon Prime Video.

Despite our love and passion for The Lord of The Rings and Middle-Earth, a Miguel Sapochnik developed take on Conan The Cimmerian is waaaaaaaay more interesting. Despite this interest, and Amazon‘s transparent intentions to create the “Next” Game of Thrones, we can’t help but feel like these programs may be more like the Super-Hero boom that followed the success of 1989’s Batman, or even worse, the gentrified, plain-Jane (no offense to anyone named Jane) wave of Science-Fiction movies and television that crowded screens after the success of Star Wars: A New Hope.

Obviously, along with that very same train of thought, Sam Raimi is in negotiations to direct The Kingkiller Chronicles. In addition to Mr. Raimi being courted to direct a feature, Lin-Manuel Miranda, who those of us with 2-3G’s to drop on tickets to a Broadway Play will know as the creator of Hamilton, an urban, hip-hop take on the life of Founding Father Alexander Hamilton, is already on board to serve as creative director… whatever the frack that means.

We’ve read The Kingkiller Chronicles and enjoyed it well enough as a time/attention consumer back when it was believed that The American Tolkien would be able to finish a book. It was a tad bit irritating that the series was called The Kingkiller Chronicles while Jaime Lannister lived in ASoIaF as The Kingslayer; particularly when you realize that through two of the three planned novels, this Kingkiller has not killed any Kings… and if he had, it was jumbled in with so much other stuff that it was unmemorable. Author Patrick Rothfuss is pretty good at writing a lot of words and I would hate to be his editor.

The appeal of this series was that it was a halfway decent fantasy story and the entire series would be finished before ASoIaF. However, the third book in the series has gone from a 2012 release to a The Winds of Winter release… meaning “Who the F knows?!? Certainly not the author!

Patrick Rothfuss is very hands-on with the Feature Film/Premium Cable Television Program/Video Game/Eventual Stageplay (…seriously, hence the Lyn-Manuel Miranda involvement) multi-media adaptation. Why would this work for him where it did the opposite for The American Tolkien Cheesemaker? Essentially, it’s like a shittier, harder to digest version of A Song of Ice and Fire but it is being fast-tracked to every type of adaptation you can conceive instead of just one. A recipe for disaster or a shitty idea? Find out by saving 2-3 thousand dollars and taking a time machine to like 2022 and buying Broadway tickets for The Kingkiller Chronicles: The Musical, music, lyrics, and book by Lyn-Manuel MirandaPatrick Rothfuss, and probably George R. R. Martin.

By now it is Old News, yes, but it is still quite interesting. David Benioff and D.B. Weiss tackling their own Star Wars series of films as their post-GoT project has piqued our Royal curiosity. It is also like much much much… much much… much better of an idea than Confederacy or The Confederate Guys or whatever the fuck that stupid idea for a stupid television show is called…

Benioff and Weiss‘ series will obviously be separate from the main Skywalker Saga and the Rian Johnson Deconstruction Saga. I hope they don’t go anywhere near incest… or Space Dragons… or anymore lunches with #GRRM.

Hooray for The American Tolkien! We knew The Big Cheeser was cashing in on his back catalog, but finally, all of the “REAL” fans of #GRRM‘s writing (and make note that the “REAL” fans are passionate for more than just ASoIaF) can read the version of Nightflyers that they deserve. It’s kind of like the Star Wars Trilogy Special Edition release in the late 1990’s, but for idiots!

Will we have “REAL” Nightflyers/”REAL” #GRRM fans squaring off with “Special Edition” Nightflyers/”REAL” #GRRM fans over whether Nightflyers should have been left alone in its original, no-doubt “magical” version or re-released with updated artwork and an expanded Nightflyers story that The American Tolkien will have to write/totally and completely doesn’t have time for and never ever will ever have time for?

The two factions together probably total 17 people that regularly give The Father of Modern Procrastination virtual smooches in the comments section of NotABlog. If Elio and anyone else that spends more than 40 minutes a day on Westeros.org is taken away from that total number, the two factions probably total 3 people. So that’s 3 people that give a F about Nightflyers but the breakdown of those that want the original version to remain as THE version and those that want #GRRM to expand the story and get some poor schlub to create artwork that won’t be seen by anyone but Elio will likely never be fully realized.

That’s Great, Adric! Really, really great… Life is great, everything is great, HBO is great, great, great. If you’re an HBO executive, you love life and you love HBO and you are sure to say grace when you arrive at the HBO Head Office and feed upon the soul of George R. R. Martin.

But sometimes, HBO executives are not on the same page, until they ARE on the same page!!!! There is nothing less informative, more vague, and exactly the opposite of “hip” as HBO executives united in message.

What is that message? Variety says that HBO executive Francesca Orsi verbally barfed that the conclusion of GoT would be satisfying for all (LIE!), actors were openly weeping (LIE!!) during the table read of all 6 scripts (LIE!!!), and when the 6th script was finished, there was 15-20 minutes of applause from the talent (MEGA-SUPER LIE!!!). EW reported differently- perhaps different lies or perhaps correcting lies or perhaps reporting the TRUTH (LIE!)

Orsi, totes not a credible HBO Executive, goes on to talk about the budget for the GoT Prequel Series: it would be difficult to justify the first season of a spin-off to have the same budget as the final season of the original, but it would NOT be fair to fans tuning in to the Prequel Series to not have the same visuals and production as the program they are gravitating to the Prequel Series from. We are totes paraphrasing her because she is probably lying.

Hey! Do y’all remember when the beheading of Ned Stark surprised you way back in Season 1‘s Baelor, even though Ned Stark was played by Sean Bean? Okay, cool. Obviously it is not a scene that is forgotten easily. But… do you remember that Ned looked like he was whispering inaudibly up until his own Valyrian great sword Ice came down through his neck? And if you do remember, are you one of those people that thinks everything means something other than what it is? For instance, did you think Ned was putting a spell on Joffrey I Baratheon? Or chanting a warg spell so he could warg into Ser Pounce (cat) or one of the ravens? Or maybe you’re really off your rocker and think he warged into Gendry or Ser Illyn Payne? Turns out, Sean Bean was ad-libbing and he talks about it in the article

(SPOILER: it’s stupid)

(BIGGER SPOILER: the interviewer coaxes him into saying he believes Jon Snow will sit the Iron Throne when all is said and done)

(PERHAPS BIGGEST SPOILER: nahhhh… we will wait to discuss the most pertinent information on the podcast).

Iain Glenn does his best impression of Liam Cunningham. He also adds more confusion to the vague clues that GoT actors are dropping RE: The Final Episodes.

Here is a “great” read about more HBO executives going on record with how GRRRRRRRRREAT The Final Episodes of GoT and everything else in their lives are, as well as Rose Leslie on American late night television talking about GoT… though she is like nearly 4 years removed from the cast.

No straight-up spoilers here, but a clever mind might be able to figure some key parts of The Final Episodes out by reading the observations of GoT production by more fans that don’t seem to have jobs or responsibility.

It really seems like we have linked articles about The Kings Landing set numerous times, specifically about giant structures added to the set. Either way, here is the latest observation of GoT production by other fans that don’t seem to have jobs or responsibility in which a giant dome structure has been added to The Kings Landing set.

Oof– this one is totes not newsworthy… and keep in mind we have reported multiple times on Nightflyers. We are totes not racist but honestly, Turkey has to be the silliest name for a country in the history of Earth. It begs to question, what came first- Turkey the country or Turkey the Turkey? When you reach that realization and then read the not newsworthy news, or vice versa, it becomes most difficult to understand the thinking of the peoples of Turkey.

Finally, if this had happened three years ago, or even two years ago, it would be the most newsworthy bit of Westeros/WesterosLite news to be reported since The Big Cheeser NotABlogged that A Dance With Dragonswas finished. Unfortunately for basically everyone that has ever had any interest whatsoever in A Song of Ice and Fire, it is not three years ago, and it is most definitely not two years ago. With that in mind, we call LIES!!!! Lying Lies of a Lying Liar that tells Lies!!!!.

Thus and so, tho hath beenth upon the receiving end of thine News of The Realm… Thy term “News” being used in the most loosest of ways…

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